Don't Pull The Trigger

The empty house was silent except for the dripping faucet in the kitchen sink. My father never locked up his guns which allowed me easy access.

Sitting on the cold tile in my parents kitchen, I pressed the gun to my temple and prepared to make my exit from this world. My hands were steady, and my heart was still. It's simple. Pull the trigger.

Just squeeze, and splatter the mess inside my head all over Dad's new Kenmore Fridge. It would have been a permanent solution to my transitory problems. Those problems seemed overwhelming at that moment in time. Hope was a distant memory. Pull the trigger.

I was 22 years old, out of prison for six months and unable to find employment. Temporarily living with my parents, and spending most days feeling sorry for myself. Trying to do the right thing, but not willing to live with the consequences of my past actions. Not able to have a relationship with anyone due to the hatred in my heart. Pull the trigger you sorry fuck.

I don't know what kept me from following through. Grace? Maybe I lacked the commitment. There were no Nike commercials. Maybe there's a plan for everyone's life. Maybe I didn't want to make a mess for my Mother to clean up.

I don't know why my planned suicide failed that day, but I am thankful that life continued. Death would have been easy, but I would have missed so much joy in living this life.

I would have missed....

The opportunity to begin a career where one day I would save a life.

Feeling the sand between my toes while walking on a beach with the love of my life.

The Soprano's.

Thousands of sunrises and sunsets.

Getting married on a sunny August afternoon.

Riding a motorcycle on an endless stretch of highway with my wife clinging to me.

A fractured foot.

A fractured clavicle.

Learning lessons.

The birth of my son.

My wife's beautiful smile.

Internet porn.

A cool drink on a humid day.

Making love 6,217 times. With the same woman.

My son's wedding.

George Bush stealing two elections.

One bad decision would have caused me to miss all those things, and many more. I'm thankful to be here.

Life is precious. Take a deep breath of it, and don't pull the trigger.

You can sample more of my writing at http://www.authornation.com/Lyam